When Ibidapo Ojo re-entered the dating scene recently, he quickly realized things had changed from the last time he was single.
“I’m adjusting to and learning a lot in this dating world,” Ojo told Straight Arrow News.
It’s not just the number of options available now, Ojo said. It’s how those options are shaping the way people date.
“These platforms have made it very transactional for men and women. As a result, it’s easy to just ‘on to the next one’ rather than try to figure it out,” Ojo said.
Why do we struggle to find true love on dating apps?
Ojo, who is 40, is far from alone in this — in fact, he is surrounded by his peers. According to Pew Research Center, 37% of U.S. adults say dating apps give people too many options. The report says adults ages 30 to 49, like Ojo, are especially likely to feel overwhelmed.
Kalla Sue has her own theory on why the number of options is making her dating experience more difficult: “Rather than watering and tending to their own garden, they want to look to see if there’s a better garden somewhere,” Sue told SAN.
“When you keep searching for something ‘better,’ you will be left feeling empty, because what you’re searching for was already in front of you. You didn’t value it, love it, and watch it flourish,” she adds.
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Recent Census Bureau data show more adults are remaining single into their 30s and 40s. The stat shows a couple of things happening at once: More people are skipping marriage, while those who do tie the knot are doing so later in life.
Having more choices, experts told SAN, hasn’t actually made it easier to find a partner. Joel Blackstock, clinical director at Taproot Therapy Collective, used psychology to explain what’s happening.
“Modern dating has become a case study in Barry Schwartz’s ‘Paradox of Choice.’ When the human brain is presented with three options, it can choose one and feel satisfied. When it is presented with 3,000 options, it enters a state of decision paralysis,” Blackstock tells SAN.
“Apps have turned dating into a procurement process rather than a discovery process. We treat potential partners like products on Amazon—scanning for features, reading reviews and returning them the moment we find a flaw. This commodification kills intimacy before it even starts,” he said.
What does dating in the modern age do to our brains?
This recent shift in the dating marketplace goes deeper than being unable to choose a partner: It can lead to both physical and psychological results.
“The challenge with choices is that it can overload and overwhelm the prefrontal cortex, which is the executive functioning center of the brain,” said Dr. Courtney Cantrell, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist. “Too many choices can cause anxiety, which can look like considering all the options, weighing the pros and cons of dating partners and rigidity around the ‘ideal’ or ‘right person.’”
Then comes the decision fatigue.
“Ultimately, decision paralysis can occur whereby it feels hard to make a decision about potential dating partners in any capacity,” she told SAN.
What is the solution?
Tammy Shaklee, a certified matchmaker and founder of H4M Matchmaking, has built her practice around intentional limitation rather than abundance. Her advice: Keep using modern tools, but reduce choice rather than expanding it.
“Quality consistently beats quantity,” Shaklee told SAN. “Focusing on a small, intentional set of matches and giving each connection two to four dates to assess real-world compatibility leads to better outcomes.”
That intentionality could yield big results, she said.
“Commitment grows when people feel grounded in their choices, not overwhelmed by endless alternatives.”
Amber Lee, co-founder of New York-based Select Date Society, echoed that advice.
“When dating feels infinite, commitment often never happens,” Lee told SAN.
“Real love is built through focus, not endless swiping,” she said.
That is not to say that apps can’t bring about the real thing. In 2023, Pew found that 10% of Americans met their spouse on a dating app, a number that has likely grown in the years since. Finding the real thing, experts told SAN, isn’t about switching off the apps entirely; it’s about toggling how we use the tool.
“The people who find lasting partnerships aren’t the ones with the most options,” Lee said. “They’re the ones who learn how to choose intentionally and commit fully.”
