Inside the modern dating landscape for single men in their 40s

Chad Barlett never expected to be dating again at 42.

The divorced dad from Palm Beach County, Florida, said he’s searching for something that’s just not easy to find. 

“I am looking for someone to where spoon-feeding her in 40 years when she’s too old and feeble to feed herself will be the one of the greatest pleasures of my lifetime,” he said.

Barlett belongs to a group that isn’t talked about much: men over 40 who genuinely want marriage or a serious relationship, but are still single.

A Pew Research Center survey found that 51% of men say they’re doing worse today than they were 20 years ago when it comes to finding a romantic partner, compared with 37% of women who say the same.

Experts say dating in your 40s can often come with challenges that weren’t there earlier in life.

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“There are more moving parts. Kids, careers, divorce and parents all affect your dating life,” said April Davis, founder and celebrity matchmaker at LUMA Luxury Matchmaking, who has more than 20 years of experience working with singles and couples. “By your 40s, most people have established routines, so making room for someone else can be tricky.”

The dating world is also increasingly shaped by the manosphere, a sprawling online space of podcasters, YouTubers and influencers dishing out advice on dating, masculinity and relationships. Inside the manosphere, prominent figures like Kevin Samuels (who died in 2022) have popularized terms like “high value” to describe desirable men and women, language that has since become a staple of dating culture.

The rules men are learning online

Dr. David Simonsen, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Creative Solutions Counseling with 26 years in practice, said he sees many men absorbing dating rules from social media.

“I see two things happening. I see men telling each other via social media usually to not be desperate…make her wait…don’t text first,” Simonsen told Straight Arrow. “Failed relationships is also the teacher. Men who experience breakup or divorce come back a bit jaded and become somewhat more self-centered to protect themselves.”

Simonsen said the internet can certainly change how people approach dating.

“The internet allows people to say anything they want with no repercussions. The online dating space is no different. Men can say or do whatever they want and can even ghost a potential date with no repercussions. Women can do it too, but I have tended to see it more with men. It’s why the groups called ‘Are we dating the same guy’ exist.”

The stories shared online can also affect how men and women interact with each other, further complicating the dating landscape, Simonsen said.

“I’ve noticed the change in men after talking to many women who have had unsuccessful, sometimes outrageous, dating experiences,” he said. 

When advice gets in the way

For some men, the dating advice they’re seeing online and hearing on podcasts actually isn’t making the process any easier.

Nathan Brenizer, 44, is single and looking for a relationship in Kansas City, Missouri.

“I’ve come to the conclusion that I am simultaneously too much and not enough. I’m not easy to deal with,” he said.

Sandra Myers, president and co-founder of the matchmaking firm Select Date Society, with nearly 30 years of experience, sees another effect of all the rules and advice circulating online.

“My concern is that we are teaching people to perform dating rather than actually date,” she said.

She said the “high value” language Samuels popularized shows up in her sessions, too.

“There is a tremendous amount of conversation about being ‘high value,’ maintaining leverage, spotting red flags and never appearing too interested,” Myers said. “Dating isn’t supposed to be a power struggle.”

That guardedness, she said, can make intimacy harder.

“You cannot build intimacy while constantly calculating how much interest is safe to show. Someone eventually has to risk being the person who cares first, calls first or says, ‘I really like you.’ That’s not desperation. That’s emotional confidence.”

A recent study in the “Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science” found that many men report loneliness and want more intimate relationships, but may struggle with behaviors that help build intimacy, including sharing vulnerable emotions, asking for help and responding to others’ emotional disclosures.

And for many men, the search for a relationship simply isn’t working out.

Lawrence Wyche, 44, of Boston, is divorced and said he needed time before he was ready to date again.

“I was depressed for a very long time, and I was not going to bring that to a relationship. Now I’m rebuilding because I lost a lot during that time,” he said.

Jimmy, 45 who lives in the Milwaukee area, has never been married and has no children. He asked that his last name not be used.

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“This world is toxic and social media has not helped anything,” he said.

Still, he said he’s dating with marriage in mind. He told Straight Arrow he is open to women “not below 32,” and believes in waiting until marriage for sex. His outlook on the process: “rejection is divine protection.”

What experts say can help

Davis said men should focus on separating genuine deal breakers from preferences.

“Deal breakers are things like shared values, lifestyles and long-term goals. Preferences are more superficial, like their career or appearance. You have to learn to be flexible on your preferences,” she said.

She also recommends looking beyond dating apps.

“Don’t make dating apps your whole strategy. Meet people through friends, events, hobbies or matchmaking. If you keep getting the same result, change something,” she said. “Date outside your usual type, give more second dates and be honest about any negative patterns you might have.”

Myers said the best dating advice may be much simpler than what men encounter online.

“Thirty years ago, bad dating advice usually came from a few friends or family members. Today, someone can hear hundreds of opinions about relationships before they ever go on the date,” she said. “After nearly 30 years as a matchmaker, I still think some of the best dating advice is remarkably traditional: Be clear about your intentions, treat someone well, ask good questions, keep your word and give a promising person enough time to surprise you.”

Simonsen said being honest about what you truly want can take some of the games out of dating.

“I’d suggest the over-40 male to simply be straightforward on what you are looking for on your first date,” he said, adding that skipping the games “allows the person across the table to see the real person which often may be more attractive than the ‘put on’ person.”

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